I’ve been home alone in a rather large house for just over a week now. It’s not the first time. I remember one time maybe two years ago I wrote a song in my mind to help me get to sleep, because I was easily seduced by my minds voice talking like the boogey-man; and, well, because I’m good at making up songs! It was called It’ll Be Morning Soon.

I was afraid of hearing noises in the dark of night, and afraid of someone walking into my room...I could easily envision my door opening. I was afraid that they weren’t simply after property, but that they were after me. Kidnap or rape or abuse of some kind. Where do these thoughts/questions/fears come from?

Part of them aren’t mine: they’re just mass consciousness, but if I claim them on as my own they sure feel real. Part is my past lives’ memories, traumas and experiences being triggered; and the rest is my mind acting on those triggers.

Along time ago I integrated the parts of me who had been hurt and abused and burglarised. But the other night, still feeling vulnerable and tossing up whether or not to wedge my door shut from the inside (which I don’t like to do because I feel it sends out a message to my whole being saying ‘I don’t trust you’) I really began to look at this. In the darkness I stared at the back of my door...why do I expect it open? I realised it was about trust. About truly not trusting other people to be with me, in case they do something bad or mean or scary. Not trusting what they might do. And not trusting that they won’t overpower my own choices to be safe etc...and if somewhere within I still believe that I could be “overpowered”, then I don’t yet trust myself.

So, what to do? Well, first of all I was pleased with this revelation. Pleased that I’d been honest and open with myself and gone deeper than before. You can’t fix the problem if you don’t know what the problem is, right?

I breathed and breathed and I made a decision to integrate those past life (and this life) traumas of mine which triggered my lack of trust. I brought them home within me.

Did this change this? Yes, it definitely did! The intensity of that image of someone pushing open my door whilst I watch helplessly, diminished. Now, if there at all, it’s just an image, it has no depth, no fear triggers. The last two nights have been much better. I feel almost nonchalant when going to sleep, perhaps because I’m just not going there, into that fear space...because the triggers to do so are gone!

It’s been good for me to truly look at this head-on, instead of ignoring and pushing it to the back all the time. Here’s to a peaceful slumber!